Beautiful Boundaries: Part One of Four
Five-and-a-half years ago my boyfriend of six years and I broke up. While I knew at the time that it very much needed to happen, I felt dumped and brokenhearted. And totally and surprisingly opened up to BIG LOVE in the way that grief often does for us.
Within a couple months of the breakup, I knew I wanted to write a book about love. When I told this to a sage friend she said, “Yes, but not yet.” She told me that I needed to “land” somewhere first. That love wasn’t just the ooey gooey rainbow-fountain thing that I was swimming in, but that it involved edges. “You need to find your edges, and you need to learn how to protect them. Then you can write your book.”
Hunh? Okay, fine. Whatever.
A few months later I landed at Breitenbush Hot Springs, a sweet retreat center in the Central Cascade Mountains of Oregon. It’s run by an intentional community of about 50 full-time residents and about 50 more part-time workers. It’s as dreamy as it sounds. And, it’s REAL LIFE. It’s real life with 100 people living and working in close quarters in conditions that are often either rainy, snowy, or smokey. There’s a lot of edge-bumping.
When I arrived, I had already identified a pattern of finding myself chest-deep in friendships that felt draining and unfulfilling, and I knew that I didn’t want to repeat that dynamic anymore. So I hung on the periphery of the community for as long as I could, hoping to simply avoid the possibility of imbalanced relationships altogether. But I quickly learned that, no matter how much time I spent at my tent writing in my journal and playing my guitar, it was impossible to avoid cultivating relationships… especially for a gregarious introvert like me.
So, as my sage friend had commanded, I began to find my edges and learned how to protect them. I learned how to kindly and gently let people know that I wasn’t available for friendship outside of work. I also learned how to say “I’m not up for conversation right now” while doing scheduling work in the kitchen office/staff hangout space. I learned how to let my neighbor know I wasn’t okay with him walking through my private backyard-woods any old time he wanted, and how to simply walk away when my verbal boundaries didn’t work anymore.
And it was UNCOMFORTABLE!!! For a long time. It still is. I want to make people happy. I want people to feel loved. I want people to feel heard. I want people to feel full. And I want people to like me, to love me.
Setting boundaries, and thus not giving everybody everything I sense they want from me, I run the risk of hurting feelings. I run the risk of NOT being their savior. And, deep down inside where I don’t even know it (but now I do!), I run the risk of being unloved.
But by the time I got to Breitenbush, my commitment to my relationship with myself was finally strong enough to withstand the discomfort of saying no and all that came with it. And I did hurt some feelings, especially those of individuals who were so blinded by their own heart-holes that they couldn’t even see me as a person, but as the magic potion that would somehow make it all better.
And you know what else I found? Respect! And comfort. I discovered that people felt comfortable asking things of me because they trusted I would only say “yes” if I meant it. And I began to notice how I, too, felt so much more comfortable with people who asked for what they needed and set clear boundaries. I found that others began feeling permission to claim their own edges by witnessing me claim mine.
I also found acceptance. Acceptance of whatever dose of me I was willing to share, even if more was desired. And I found love, so much love!
And if I hadn’t, well, I also discovered that I didn’t want love that depended upon me giving more than I was comfortable with. Is that really love, anyway? I don’t think so.
So now, five+ years since my initial declaration about my LOVE book, I’m writing/drawing it. When I first spoke of it, I didn’t even draw. Maybe that’s part of why I had to wait. Mostly, though, I think my sage friend was right. I wasn’t ready. But after four years of Breitenbush’s Life and Love School, I am. Edges and rainbows, soft hugs, thorny flowers and all.
And so with no further ado, I present to you Beautiful Boundaries. So far, all the other recipes in this book are two pages long… this one is EIGHT! It needs that much attention. I’ll be rolling it out two pages at a time. Take some time with it. Use the prompts as meditation, conversation, or journaling inspirations. Find your edges and honor them.
Until next time, Much Love,
Becca/Nymphie
P.S. Scroll below the images to read all those little words!
beautiful boundaries
Robust personal boundaries are one of the most crucial elements of a beautiful and loving life.
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With them, we can create a warm, nurturing home inside ourselves that we carry with us everywhere we go and is always safe to inhabit.
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Without clear boundaries, the home inside of us can become overrun by energy vampires, time-sucking force fields, and straight-up villains. We end up committing to things we don’t want, putting energy into relationships that exhaust us, and allowing ourselves to be treated in ways that are really not okay!
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When we honor our boundaries, we have agency over what and who gets to enter, and what and who stays out of our inner home.
My cabin at Breitenbush
WELCOME
sparkly vibes
expansive opportunities
energizing relationships
desired touch
kind words
growth
joy
peace
love
NO TRESSPASSING
bad vibes
steam rollers
draining relationships
unwanted touch
abuse of any kind
Mary Jo Deysach’s (my mom’s!) rendering of my cabin at Breitenbush xoxo
Honor Your Boundaries Step One: Get to Know Your Edges
In order to assert a boundary, we need to know where our edges are so we can protect them before we are crossed. Use these prompts to become more intimately acquainted with your edges.
What is your relationship with saying YES?
With being NICE?
What cues does your body give you that your boundaries are being pushed?
What relationships consistently rub up against your edges?
Make a NO TRESPASSING sign for your inner home.
Make a WELCOME sign for your inner home.
Find the complete hand-written, hand-drawn book here: ‘The Soul's Delights: Recipes for a Life of Love and Beauty’
