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Honesty: Our Greatest Kindness

In third grade my mom helped me throw a Valentines’ Day party. I purposely did not invite one of the girls in my broader friendship circle because her presence overwhelmed me. But when Jan found out about the party, she confronted me. My face grew hot and I said that her invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. In other words, I lied to make her feel better and assuage my guilt. The next day, I brought an invitation to school for her and she was delighted.

While that is my first memory of betraying myself to please another, it is certainly not the last. For much of my adolescence and early adulthood I had a hard time differentiating between my needs and others’. I mean, I felt I really needed to make sure others felt good and warm and welcome in my presence…. even when their presence made me feel drained or bored or straight-up yucky.

I used to say, “Sometimes it’s more important to be kind than honest.” Besides, who was I to choose being kind to myself over being kind to others? And so I said yes when everything inside of me was screaming noooooo!

Yes, you can interrupt me. Yes, you can dump your emotional baggage on me and receive thoughtful feedback without any reciprocity. Yes, you can knock on my door without invitation, wake me up, and refuse to notice the not-so-subtle indicators that I don’t want you to stay and then hug me for too long.... because I am afraid. I am afraid that things will feel awkward if I say no. I am afraid that I will hurt your feelings. And, deep down inside where I don’t even know it, I am afraid that I will not be loved by anyone if I claim the space around me as my own.

Five years into some serious boundaries and self-love work, I don’t say yes if I don’t mean it anymore. I now know that honesty is the greatest kindness of all—to ourselves and others. Even when it’s uncomfortable.

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As I was packing up my stuff at the farmers’ market yesterday, one of the young men in the booth next to me helped me fold up my tent and, while doing so, encroached upon the six-foot space-bubble I’ve been maintaining for the past couple months. So I simply stepped back and said with a smile, “I’m trying to stay six feet from others right now.” He honored my request and slipped back into his booth.

A few minutes later he approached me (from a safe distance) and said something to the effect that he has learned over the years not to take things personally. “Oh, are you referencing my request to maintain distance?” I asked. “Well, kind of, yah,” he replied, and I wanted to pump my fists to the sky in celebration. THIS is healthy boundaries work, baby!

And if there has EVER been a time to cultivate healthy boundaries, it is now. For the past eight weeks we’ve all been under stay-at-home orders and most of us—in my world, at least—have been honoring these externally imposed boundaries in similar ways, and there’s been an ease with those shared behaviors.

But now, with external restrictions loosening up all over the country, we all need to work a little harder to identify our own personal comfort levels with interpersonal interactions, commerce, and protective wear.

This is where the desire to choose “nice” over “honest” may be tempting. Like when someone steps in close or invites you to a dinner party that’s too big for your comfort. When that happens, remember: being honest is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and others.

Because now, asserting our boundaries isn’t just about protecting our own time and energy, but about protecting ourselves and everyone we encounter from a potentially deadly infection. This is not a time to let The Pleaser in us make the calls.

This is the time to let our boundaries speak.

But how? Well, the first step is getting to know them. If we are clear on our personal needs, it is a lot easier to communicate them to others. So now is a good time to identify the type of in-person interactions you feel good about.

With whom are you willing to interact in person? At what distance? With or without a mask? What size gathering are you comfortable attending? What businesses are you comfortable soliciting? What requests do you have of people you will be interacting with at close range?

The next step is creating an energetic boundary. Mine helps me feel snug and safe within my own space and reminds me that I get to claim it. I like to imagine a bubble around me that’s made of out of shimmering stars or wildflowers or sometimes even fire. This boundary protects my energy, time, and safety, and it repels anything that threatens it.

Of course, an invisible flower-shield isn’t always enough to keep our boundaries intact, so we also have to use our words. This can be the hardest part. The trick is to kindly, clearly, and without judgement state our edges. Feel free to borrow some of these lines:

“I’m stepping back to maintain a six-foot distance.”

“Thanks for the invite! I’m just not comfortable going to social gatherings yet.”

“I’d love to come over if we can sit outside and physically distance ourselves.”

“I’m not up for going to restaurants, but if you want to get takeout and have a picnic in the park, I’m in.”

“I hug you from afar!”

And finally, we can create physical boundaries. We can walk away, close a door, or leave a building if words are not enough. We can wear a mask or a six-foot hoop skirt to prevent our boundaries being breached in the first place.  

And know this: We never have to provide explanations, apologies, or excuses when we state a boundary. We get to claim our edges simply because they are ours.

On the other hand, you may find yourself on the receiving end of someone else’s boundaries. If that’s the case, now’s your chance to practice honoring them gracefully. Simply thank the person for letting you know their edges and honor them. No need to be defensive or take it personally.

THIS is advanced love and beauty work, folks. By holding our boundaries we are showing love to the most important person in our lives—ourSELF. And when we do so, we show others that they, too, have permission to claim their needs in kind and clear ways. We spread the love.

May you identify and honor your boundaries with love. May you love your boundaries. May you love.

Be well, in love and beauty, Becca

P.S. The illustrations are one of the “recipes” in my book “The Soul’s Delights: Recipes for a Life of Love and Beauty”. This book is a perfect companion for these heart-achy times, and it makes a dreamy graduation gift. Use code GRADUATE for 20% off!